[24/june]

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...

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yes, i know.

:"sigh.."

*disappointing stare*

shit...

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

turn back time

it doesn't matter how many times you wish you hadn't said it

what matters is, that you said it.

chapter thirty-two

i go upstairs with Freya and sit down on the feeding chair, next to the window. It's strange, now that this room is finally decorated - lilac walls , white floorboards, flower fairies, the lot it's like it was never my room, that that part of my life never even happened.

she's sucking sweetly now, outside, there's a fine wintery drizzle falling like gossaer beneath the glow of the street lamp. I look at the red neon clock on top of the drawers: 11.26 p.m., half an hour left until next year. I wonder what this year will bring: great days, shit days, shocks and surprises; moments of joy, The Black Cloud . . . If there's a guarantee of anything, it's that life won't leave a thing out and yet this year, it's like i'm ready for it. For the first time in my life, I don't feel scared.

i hear the familiar whistle and two-steps-at-a-tine if Jim coming up the stairs. He sticks his head around the door.

'Everything alright?' he says. 'Can i come in?'

'Course.' I sile and Jim sits down on the tiny pink stool we bought from Ikea and draws it close to us, his legs up by his shoulders like a gnome.

'Wow, she's going at it like Lisa from The Simpsons, isn't she?' he laughs, watching her suck like she's not been fed for a week.

'She got your hair' I say, stroking it. 'It's all growing i different directions.'

'She got y gorgeous feet too. though. And her mother's eyes.'

The floorboards reverberate with the thump, thump of the music. We hear the familiar delighted shriek of my mother and laugh with recognition.

Jim strokes Freya's head.

'I can't believe how much i love her,' he says.

'Jim Ashcroft, i say, 'you're so bloody soft'

11.40. Twenty minutes until 2008. We can hear the intro to The Killers, 'Mr Brightside' and Gina shout, 'Oh my God, i love this one!'

Jim smiles at me, then leans over and kisses me on the mouth. 'I've got something to ask you,' he says, 'something I need to clear up.'

I kiss him back. 'Oh yeah, what's that?'

He gets off the stoll and onto his knees and I laugh, nervously, because i've got an idea what he's about to do and i don't know, i don't know how i feel about it. We're alright as we are aren't we? And i don't know if i want that - not just yet! The big while wedding doesn't quite appeal anymore and I don't know if i fancy the house on a cul-de-sac and our wedding anniversary picture on the mantelpiece, and the Center Parks holidays. I don't know if i want to be like everyone else and to have the 'normal family', what the hell does that mean, anyway? Everyone's a weirdo if you look closely enough.

But he's on his knees now and he's got a glint in his eye and he's taking my hand and i'm wracking my brains for the right thing to say and then he says, 'Tess?'

'Yes?' I say, as if i'm on the precipice of a cliffe, about to fall over.

'Will you go out with me?'

chapter eighteen

The air's knocked out of me as he suddenly starts kissing me again. 'That's enough talking for one day, you sexy, sexy girl.' He puts his hands in my hair and pulls at the roots. 'Coz I want you.' He leads me by the head and i surrender, flopping all my bags down and collapsing with him onto the sofa, giggling. 'I want to devour you. Right now, Right here.'

'Oh really?'

'Yes, really.'

'We'll have to see about that.'

He's on top of me now and we're tonguing and our breathing is fast and shallow. He puts his hand up my skirt and my thighs shudder involuntarily as he runs one finger from my knickers all the way down my thigh. I slip my hand down his jeans and i feel his balls, warm and deliciously familiar in my hand and we're groaning now and sort of laughing all at the same time and I think, God this is good. Fuck, I've missed this. Then his hands start to roam under my smock top (thank God for the current fashion) and up to my belly button Shit! Is there a bump? There's definitely a curve to that area now but you can't see it when i'm lying down, surely, or can you? I hope he won't notice, I pray he won't notice... Then his hands are roaming up my top and he's dangerously near the hammock-bra. Fuck, fuck, the hammock-bra! This is like a bloody obstacle course! I have to act fast and so I undo it at the back and whip it off, throwing it as far away as i possibly can. But it lands in a heap right in front of Laurence's eye level. 'Fuck me,' he says, eyes popping out of his head, 'I could fit my head in that.'

I redden, embarrassed but he doesn't seem fussed. He just kisses my neck, up my neck, biting kisses all over my jaw, and on my eyelids and then he lifts his entire body and lays down on me. He smells of sun-on-skin and fresh air and I feel him press his pelvis down into me, his dick twitch in his jeans. His hands are on my breasts now, his breathing urgent, our kisses more frenzied. 'Jesus.' Laurence stops kissing me and looks down my top. ' They're massive!' he laughs. 'They're fucking magnificent!' I laugh too but he stops me with another kiss and then he's undoing his flies and I think I might explode with desire and I can already feel the tell-take flush across my chest and the nagging, pulling throb between my legs. I lift up my skirt. I've totally surrendered and we're pushing our pelvises together slow and hard and I'm a gonner now, the pregnancy thing pushed firmly to the back of my mind. The sofa's squeaking beneath us, my breathing's rapid and I'm loving this, I'm absolutely loving this!! I've longed for the moment for so long and...

days

each day i find

to be a miraculous day

not just for me

but for the people around

yet there are days

when people wish could be better

because of events that happen

which caused or causes some problems

what say you, my friend

would consider this day to be?

is it a joyous day?

a sad day?

the usual day?

or the unforgettable?

do know this.

no matter what day each day becomes,

one day, will always be a special day

one day, will always be a horrible day

but then,

one day, things get back together

just like the way before

and you'll be back on your way

heading towards the day you aim for

(whichever day that may be)

enjoy your day,

dear sir/madam.

enjoy

your day. *smile*

2nd June 2009

sure, a few of you are gonna be syked that i'm back with the blogging.

not saying that i miss it

not saying that i'll be posting something each day now

just pointing out that

i blog, for a reason

and the reason i blog,

is because i have something to say

and the reason i have something to say through writting a blog

is because there really isn't someone out there who listens (other than the exceptionally few good friends i love)

so writing what i have to say, via blogging

is the best way i can be heard.

first post after say, a millenium?

haha, not too bad i reckon.

pointless, but not bad

i'm happy.

yet i haven't really gotten out what i have to say

but meh

it's late

and i couldn't be bothered.