I'm getting my education in a different country. It's considered quite far from my home, to me of course. But the reason that i'm there...the choice i made that brought me to that place...i'm starting to think that it wasn't worth it. Not by any chance...and i regret it so much that i feel like i'm in hell.
I feel anger, frustration, sorrow...i'm so alone. People tell me that i should be thankful that i even get a chance to be here. But if there's another chance for me to go home, home where i feel loved, i feel safe...i would give anything to have that chance! Because there is nothing one can do to erase the past of the choices made but to only wait for another time to make a better choice, to learn from the mistake, to make a turn from the wrong direction taken.
I keep thinking to myself, is my happiness worth losing everything, even the happiness i already had, that i didn't notice was there all along? Is my ONLY happiness worth giving up the happiness i get from my family? Is it?!
I feel so lost, deserted, non-existing...I wanna turn back time so badly, i truly do...
I can no longer bare the pain i have from not being with my family. I want to be strong, i want to be independent...but is that worth giving up every joy i once had?
Depression is what i'm going through, and i fear to let my family know...because i love them so, so much, i don't want them to worry.
The fear of letting my family down, my family name...to bring the family name to shame, is the only fear i have. And yet it feels like it's already taken over me, my thoughts...it's like a drug, shots kept going in but ... it's only fear... why is this?
I need help, but i want to be strong...
Was each and every decision i made worth having this torture, every second of my life?!
purple haze
no words shall describe natures' beauty
